#its just exhausting yk
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m1d-45 Ā· 3 months ago
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will you promise that i'll see you again?
summary: your people refuse reason, and their damage refuses to heal. when it seems as if the whole world has left you, your dutiful knight still remains by your side.
word count: 2.3k
-> warnings: implied suicidal ideation (reader + unnamed side character), reader's previous deaths are mentioned in somewhat graphic detail
-> gn reader (you/yours)
taglist: @samarill || @thenyxsky || @valeriele3 || @shizunxie || @boba-is-a-soup || @yuus3n || @esthelily || @turningfrogsgay || @cupandtea24 || @genshin-impacts-me || @chaoticfivesworld || @raaawwwr || @yuryuryuyurboat || @undrxtxd || @rainswept || @wanderersqt || @rozz-eokkk
< masterlist >
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ā€œyouā€™re one of the only things keeping me going, you know.ā€
dainslef turned to you in surprise, the even neutrality to your tone a sharp contrast to the rapid pace of his heart. he wasnā€™t a fool, he knew that the hunt had to be taking a heavy toll on you, but thisā€¦
this was more than he expected.
he knew he was one of a pitiful few who saw through celestiaā€™s false puppet, who knew you for you and not their mirage. he knew that the entire world was hellbent on erasing you from existence, that youā€™d been forced through your own death countless times as teyvat pulled you apart and pushed you back together far from the scene of your would-be murder. he saw the golden scars across your skin, the dried remains of blood lining the wounds you hadnā€™t been able to patch yet. heā€™d been the one to wash them away, not minding the refuse soaking into his gloves if it meant your hands could be clean.
he recognized the dull exhaustion in your eyes, the same as the ones he saw in the reflections of lakes. tired, worn, barely there, hanging on by one solitary string that was wound so tightly around a desperate hand.
you had always been his reason for continuing. when the traveller broke down and the ruler of the abyss hid from the sun, you were there. when the chasmā€™s mud clung to his boots and the memories in his head burned as nails forced between his eyes, you were there. his rosary was kept tight to his chest at all times, familiar prayers pulling him up in the morning and forcing him to sleep at night. he was alive for far, far too long, but you made it bearable. you were his duty, his promise.
he never once thought that heā€™d be yours. then again, he never thought that heā€™d have to defend you from the ones you once called friends. time never did pass how he expected it to.
ā€œā€¦leading light?ā€
you looked down, twirling blades of grass around your fingers. he had led you up to a mostly desolate area of sumeru, west of bayda harbor. it close enough to the sea, forest, and desert that you could reasonably make an escape through any of those routes if need be, while also providing a rather pleasant view. the sky was bleeding red and gold as the sun sank below the horizon, a remarkable sight that fell on blind eyes. there was no use trying to enjoy natureā€™s beauty when he still kept one hand on his sword and both ears pricked for the slightest sign of danger.
you shouldnā€™t have to worry about your safety. you shouldnā€™t have to prioritize based on how likely you are to get hurt, or how easily it would be to make an escape. you still flinched when the wind blew a little too quick, used to it heralding armored footsteps and battle cries. in another life, you were welcomed with open arms, able to enjoy yourself without constantly being on high alert. teyvat did what it could to adapt; the air was still, frozen in time, barely a bird chirping for miles. it was meant to be comforting, he thinks, but dead silence was more unnerving than any breeze.
ā€œi mean it.ā€ he could hear every shift in his cloak around your shoulders, the heavy fabric doing little to soothe your stress. it was yours more than it was his now, to the point he felt claustrophobic wearing it. how long had he been traveling with you? the days blurred.
ā€œi donā€™t doubt you.ā€ he never would. never could. heā€™s not sure, even if he somehow wanted to, that his body would allow him to treat your words as anything less than fact. ā€œbut i donā€™t understand what you mean.ā€
you were a god. the creator, the first, the one that shaped the sovereigns scales and laid the foundations of earth. you predated the archons, celestia, the very skies themselvesā€¦
and he, somehow, was a driving motivation for you?
his words must have been funny, a sharp laugh tumbling out of your mouth. it was bitter, humorless, and somewhat raspy. he made note to find some water for you later. ā€œwhat else could i mean?ā€ you turn to him, some of his confusion lost as your eyes found his. even this burnt out, deep bags set beneath them, you still managed to steal the very air in his lungs. ā€œyouā€™re the only reason iā€™m still here.ā€
he didnā€™t know what to say. what was there to be said, when you were you and he was him? when the world had abandoned you, it made sense youā€™d cling to what remained faithful. it was merely coincidence he happened to find you first, thatā€™s all. coincidence that you trusted enough not to run from, coincidence that you allowed to care for your injuries. there was nothing to say, because you held nothing for him in particular, only leaning on him out of need. he had to believe that. what was he left with if that wasnā€™t true? an awkward truth hid beneath his well-known lies, too large for him to see the edges, let alone to contain.
ā€œpleaseā€¦ do not say such things again.ā€ to ask of his god what he could not ask of himself was surely some form of heresy, as was willingly laying aside his guard when he was the only one who was tasked with protecting you. he pulled his attention from the tide below, from the rustling trees, holding faith that the world would not be needlessly cruel. he stepped forward, kneeling beside you. even up close, you still seemed painfully small. ā€œit is your own resilience that has allowed you to persevere.ā€
itā€™s the earth that leads you from danger.
itā€™s the water that follows you wherever you go.
itā€™s the leylines that whisk you to safety.
itā€™s the wind that warns you of whatā€™s to come.
itā€™s the you from the past that protects the you in the present.
itā€™s the you in the present that provides for the you in the future.
itā€™s you, from everywhere and everywhen, continuing to fight.
and yet you sigh. you look away, across the sea, tracing fontaines skyline. ā€œit really isnā€™t. i was lucky to run into you when i did.ā€
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you had just crossed the wall back into the forest, burning hot and shaking. he was the lucky one, in truth, to be able to pick your figure out from the sand below. perched on a high cliffside, even mitachurls were reduced to small brown flecks.
you had worn a cryo mageā€™s cloak, which was what initially drew his attention. abyss activity wasnā€™t uncommon in the area, but a cryo mage in the desertā€¦ that was cause for intrigue. he stepped forward and slid down the steep face in front of him, a slight puff of dust marking his landing in the desolate sand of old vanarana.
he didnā€™t know what to expect. you stumbled around the jagged remains of a tree, heading for the statue of the seven. he followed, only growing more confused. cryo and dendro did not react with each other, and there was no way to ā€œslowā€ a statue. a scouting mission, maybe? but why a cryo mage, when pyro would have been far more advantageous in the case of an attack?
he leaned around the corner carefully, prepared for the sight of a staff or the chanting of abyssal magic filling the air. the entire world seemed to be holding its breath, frozen in place and waiting for some trigger to continue.
he saw none of that. you were collapsed at the foot of the statue, faint wheezing only making it to his ears by virtue of the standstill around him. you held no staff, commanded no magic, your chest barely moving with air.
heā€™d never seen a mage seek out the archons when dying. one hand squeezed the handle of his sword as he crept forward, ready to strike should the situation turn against him. the sand barely shifted beneath his feet, his own heart sounding too loud to his ears. you did not move, showing no signs that you had noticed his approach. he still didnā€™t trust it.
your cloak was tattered and torn, with thick gloves atypical of a mage. they reminded him more of hilichurl wraps, which was strange considering you wore no mask. your face was instead covered by what looked like eremite cloth, just as stained and dirtied as the rest of your clothes. what he could see looked almost human; in another life, he could believe you were a weary traveller, lost amidst the sand.
he was acting foolish. if the abyss had a human tool, he needed to figure out why. he reached down, undoing the sloppy knot of your veil and letting the brocade fall limply to the grass.
ā€¦grass. he blinked, eyes flickering between the ground and your face, not sure which was harder to believe. flowers had bloomed around you, protecting your body from the blazing sands, and heā€™d be a fool not to recognize the face plastered all over every bounty board.
he didnā€™t understand. if nothing else, he thought the archons would have enough respect for their creator to know when they were being lied to, yet before him was barely living proof of the inverse. sweat beaded along every inch of exposed skin, deep-set heat exhaustion burning you from the inside out. how could you be a threat? how could they be so blind?
he looked again, the shine of elemental sight straining his eyes, catching flickers of the dendro energy pouring from the statue. you were the only one the archons would feed. you were the only one to make the very earth break its own rules, allowing lotuses to bloom from barren soil. something painfully similar to rage threatened what remained of his rationality, and it took all he had to push it aside.
that didnā€™t matter. if he went off on some banal revenge quest, heā€™d be no better than them. your safety mattered more. he picked you up and set aside how calm his curse felt, beginning the trek back to his camp. behind him, the flowers already began to wither, losing their persistence without you to foster it.
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perhaps that initial meeting was luck. but these was no luck involved in your trust in him. when you woke up and saw him at your side, you chose to trust him. you chose to believe that he was not like the others, that he would protect you, and he was forever grateful for that trust. nobody could fault you for being angry, for being spiteful about what you were put through and choosing to lash out. nobody would have the right to be upset if you chose to vent your wrath against those that had hurt you.
but you didnā€™t. you chose, again and again, to believe in the world. you chose to let them live their lives, even if it meant getting hurt again in the process. you chose a quiet life traveling with him over the comfortable life on your throne. to willingly choose to travel with a disgraced knight to spare your people guiltā€¦ he couldnā€™t decide if it was noble or reckless. either way, he was selfishly happy that he was the one to stay by your side.
ā€œi wonā€™t try to convince you. but, please.. do not give up on yourself so easily.ā€ i know far too many who have died by the same hand. ā€œthe world and its opinion does not define you. only you get to decide where fate leads.ā€
you lean towards him, and he thinks you might have passed out- but no, your head lands on his shoulder with far too much precision. he stiffens, not used to existence without a constant pain beneath his skin. ā€œhow motivational. you tell all your soldiers that?ā€
his heart is beating too quickly, thoughts unusually hard to grasp. youā€™re the only one who could have this effect on him. he only wished it wasnā€™t now, when your belief in yourself was on the edge. ā€œi mean it. none of this is your fault, and neither are celestial actions the peopleā€™s fault. i know that you are hurt, but i donā€™t want you to accept that main needlessly. you shouldnā€™t have to view your creation with such pain.ā€ slowly, carefully, he raises the hand closer to you, doing his best not to disturb you as he settles it on your arm. heā€™s can only hope that the contact brings you as much comfort as it does him. ā€œif nothing else, believe me. promise youā€™ll at least try.ā€
he doesnā€™t think youā€™ll agree. why would you make a promise to one who represents the heavenā€™s betrayal? why would you let him hold you close at all, when you can surely sense the bindings of those who tried to kill you wrapped tightly around his soul? he doesnā€™t know. all he can do is hope.
ā€œā€¦alright, dainslef. i promise.ā€
twilight has long since fallen, and yet he smiles for the first time in centuries.
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jasperyourmutt Ā· 2 months ago
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zonked out on the dog bed snoring up a storm. you come over and rub the soft spot on the top of my nose. i let out the most contented sigh
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keirientez Ā· 11 months ago
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trying to get used to tumblr again
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carnivalcarriondiscarded Ā· 1 year ago
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honestly wally is stronger than atlas. if i had to constantly calibrate to the nature of my reality w/ full consciousness i would simply lose my fucking mind
#like babies dont Think while they learn how to exist#imagine straight up spawning fully aware and then everyone else is up to speed but youre standing there like#šŸ§ā€ā™‚ļøuh. hello. what is everything. what is this. huh????#LIKE???? i feel so bad for him. dude got dropped right into the middle of the ocean and was told 'learn to swim'#and hes trying. but he doesnt know what drowning is so he cant sink either#i mean i get it at least a little bit! its the Autism Experience but w/ him the dial is cranked up to a thousand#you dont know what you dont know but life goes on like you should. fuck#wally i am mentally beaming you a thousand apples grown in the shape of hearts#i believe in you dude you'll figure it out#well. im probably beaming apples into the past if the time discrepancy is real but yk yk#cause if it is then Current Wally probably has a solid handle on things. from a basic standpoint#in a wider lens i am led to believe that he is Scrabbling#is this speculation???#i think it counts.#wh speculation#homebogging#whenever i think about the tidbits we know - ex: wally learning about differences in size#internally i start howling. wally is just constantly dealing with things that would drive a person insane if they had to live it#how is he not Exhausted... it's all so much for someone who knows whats going on let alone someone scrambling to catch up#at least the other neighbors dont have to deal with memorizing physics and skills and behavior#and just Literally Everything That Comes With Being Alive#wally is a blank slate left to write itself.#ough. damn. fuck. i think i need to go stare into the woods for a bit...
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sanguinewolves Ā· 4 months ago
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i hate her if im being honest
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seiwas Ā· 1 year ago
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i love self-care and pampering and everything but sometimes it's also just tiring
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softshuji Ā· 11 months ago
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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh
#i just find it like so unfair yknow#im the only one who works in myhouse and full time#but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put#my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but#i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger#its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad#and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility#and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough#and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother#said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i ā€œchoseā€ this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9#and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time#constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers#and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either#its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they#cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl#thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on#im just tired and upset#its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing#im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf#oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this#and yk what#thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is#i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return#or if not#theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them#i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me#its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me
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twipsai Ā· 16 days ago
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the usamerican is talking about usa stuff again
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nomairuins Ā· 11 days ago
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun šŸ‘. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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maiaacchiato Ā· 1 year ago
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thinking thoughts
#mia's ramblings#thinking abt that one time i was so uncomfortable with my friend's pda thing that i left them behind at the koi pond#like i literally just. stood up. started walking away#i still have no idea why it made me uncomfortable and even now just thinking about it makes me sick#for some reason idrk#also thinking about those times where i was so mentally exhausted from everything that i didnt have the energy to stand up so i just#didnt go to school#obviously i told people i was ā€œsickā€ or ā€œmasakit pakiramdam koā€ etc which i mean#its a half truth? atleast ???#and thinking about how i just want to avoid Her bc i do Not want to be dealing with their relationship problems at 6am but yk#the moment she starts up conversation i just#put those thoughts at the back of my head and pretend like im not fucking tired of her bullshit#i could be so. mentally drained. to the point that i just avoid everyone by going to coop on my own or going to 7-11 just to Breathe#but the moment someone talks to me like jack or salve or heck even kui my brain just. forces itself to act ā€œnormalā€ and by normal i mean no#-mentally drained yk?#like the moment literally anyone starts talking to me the thoughts of being mentally tired just get pushed back and idrk how to tell people#-that im mentally exhausted without sounding rude so i just#let my brain just bottle it up until im so tired mentally that i literally cannot function#i think its called being overstimulated? yea#which yeah basically this shit happens every. day. until my brain just goes nope youre shutting down no school for today also youre getting#-a fever too#which like??? idk why it happens???#and its not like i dont want to talk to them either#like#obviously i do#but talking to anyone when im like this makes it feel like an obligation#which fucking sucks because i dont like being obligated to do stuff i just want to do it because well#i want to??#and i feel bad for peewee bc usually he'll talk to me when im at my limit so my responses are very short and yea#this is why i always say 'im tired' whenever people ask how im doing
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bastardsofravenkroft-blog Ā· 11 months ago
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wait what happened with pissditching? im p sure you talked abt them in an ask response but i never understood what happened...
basically pissditching is friends with revengeromance and girlgerard (both of whom i dislike atp*) i said something in the tags of a post abt how i was pissed at revengeromance for something (unrelated) and pissditching found it and lowkey harassed me and several friends over it and said some real fucking weird shit to me so i blocked them (and probably said something snarky abt them on main but i dont really remember)
*i dont personally like these two users bc they (specifically gg) are the forefront of call gerard way nothing but she/her and i think thats fucking weird šŸ™‚ personally. so i have them blocked and donā€™t interact with anyone around them at all.
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snuggles-and-struggles Ā· 3 months ago
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I know I've mentioned it before, but I really do love the idea of Stretch slowly gaining some weight on the surface, going from scrawny as hell to like, a dad bod. And Edge just being sooo happy about it.
How overwhelmed with love he feels when he remembers how chalky and pale Stretch's bones used to be, how they're flushed and vibrant now. How sturdy he feels to hold, how different it is from when his bones felt so brittle they might snap if he held him too tightly. The days long behind them of Stretch going weeks at a time hardly eating, hardly moving, being able to spoil him endlessly with any recipe he loves or wants to try.
Normally, I don't think most monsters really have the kinds of the uselessly judgmental behaviors humans do, but I feel like Stretch would still be self conscious of the change, possibly because of human standards heā€™s since learned, or perhaps just because it's a change and he worries, but he worries less and less with Edge. Because Edge clearly doesn't mind, even seems to cherish it, and he feels better, he knows he's doing better, so what does anything else matter, really?
Healing together...ough
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elytrafemme Ā· 5 months ago
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im trying to treat myself softly today. today was good n then i got really tired n i think naturally im still a little worn out by what happened two days ago... but i reached out to some folks and like. did some work, still more to do tmrw n everything but. right now i feel like i need to let go of everything and just lay down and like. settle with it.
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doodlboy Ā· 1 year ago
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Yk kinda obsessed with the dynamic of complete mess & "if a peacock was a human"
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carnivalcarriondiscarded Ā· 9 months ago
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Ogh!! I'm so sorry to hear that your work schedule was such poop regarding the update! If it makes you feel better, I would watch your stream regardless if I looked at the update already or not! Wouldn't say any spoilers, but I love how you perceive things regarding WH and I would no doubt love to see your reaction live regardless!
aw <3 thank you <3 i Deeply appreciate that!!
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nintendont2502 Ā· 2 years ago
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Aromantic yearning (?) is so fucking weird because it's like. Yes I want someone to spend literally my whole life with, who knows me inside and out just like I know them inside and out. Yes I want to share my whole life with them. Yes I want to make out with them sometimes. We're just besties though
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